Maybe You Prefer Crumbs?!

Olivia and Peter dined at the local Thai restaurant in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. It was her favorite spot so it made perfect sense to have her date there. The server couldn’t help but notice that Olivia didn’t order but instead opt for a drink instead; Thai Iced Tea. It wasn’t normal of her to not eat, she has always had quite the appetite. However, tonight it appeared as if she became full by watching Peter devour his food. Indeed that is what it looked like, as he shoveled a fork full of food until his cheeks were fully extended. It looked as if Peter had not eaten in a week, literally and figuratively. None of this appeared to bother Olivia. She sat in her seat smiling and sipping on her tea in pure enjoyment. When the bill came, Peter let it sit there and looked up at her, smiling, or should I say smirking. She took the check and placed her credit card inside. Peter looked at her and said, “thanks for handling that, this has been a great date, I need to excuse myself to the little boys room, you are the best”! She forced a fake smile, to camouflage the disappointment and shocked she felt. As he walked by her chair, he placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it in a playful way. When the server came back with her receipt, she signed and waited for Peter to return. After fifteen minutes of waiting, and looking at the bathroom door, she came to the realization that he left. She called his phone and it went straight to voicemail. As she sat there, all she could do was look at the crumbs he left in the plate that sat on the table. Before the bus boy took away the plate, she licked her index finger and placed it on the crumbs on his plate. When she tasted the sweetness of the teriyaki sauce, she closed her eyes and savored every flavor. 

People, how many of you would have tolerated this kind of treatment/behavior from your date? I could just imagine the eyes rolling and head snapping. However, you might say, “I would never tolerate that from my significant other”. Even though, the scenario might be different, most of us accept the crumbs in our dating relationships. We know what we would like in our mate but some of us would overlook all the things we want, for the sake of just having someone. What I mean is this, you say you would NEVER date a smoker but now you date a smoker. You are adamant about not dating a man without a job but now you date a man who can’t keep a job because of his temper and criminal background. In fact, you allow him to live in your home, rent (or mortgage) free as he 1.) Eats your food, 2.) Drive your car and use up your gas, 3.) Run up your utilities bills because remember, he doesn’t have a job so he is home watching television, and has every light on in the house…even when he isn’t in the room, the lights are on. You know exactly what I am talking about! Let’s stay the course here. The crumbs are all the things you didn’t want but now you find acceptable. 

Olivia was hungry but she suppressed her hunger pangs because she was just happy to be on a date with Peter. Peter had no problem eating that food in her face, not even thinking twice about offering her a bite. He was just happy he had a free meal and a female happy to just be in his presence. He is not the one to blame, if you are not demanding what you want, then why blame the user. Olivia was the one happy with just the crumbs. Remember he walked off any didn’t give her the courtesy of saying goodbye. Most of you would have felt played, used, and unappreciated, right?! And right you would be if you felt all those things. If you allow someone to use you then understand that the problem lies within you. 

Relationships aren’t for the faint of heart, they require two individuals committed to making it work. Therefore, if you are the one in the relationship that is doing ALL the doing, then you are accepting crumbs. Ask yourself these questions: 1) Can someone live off of crumbs alone? 2) Do I believe I deserve more than crumbs? 3) Can I handle more than crumbs? All these questions are helpful in aiding you to be brutally honest with yourself. I know someone who is beautiful, intelligent, funny, and has a heart of gold. However, she accepts crumbs because deep down inside she does not believe she is deserving of more than crumbs. Inwardly she is a bruised person, seeking and longing for someone to love  her. Whether or not she believe she deserves better, she will never demand what she wants. People on the outside see that she lives off of crumbs but she won’t accept it. She believes that she can helps these men become the type of man she wants. Hahahah…sorry, that is even funnier writing it than when I heard her say it. People let me get one thing straight, we were not put on this earth to be anyone’s savior. In her mind she believes that they will grow to love her the way she loves and treats them. Doesn’t it sound like she is yearning for acceptance? Doesn’t that make you sad? Yet, this man continues to live in her home and give her all the crumbs she can digest. Frankly speaking, she is being used and he is not going to stop because apparently she is satisfied with what he has to offer; nothing!

My advice to anyone out there who can identify with Olivia. Be honest, I mean, as honest as you can be with yourself and your mate. If you start short changing yourself, then you deserve whatever poor treatment they offer. You must ask for what you want, you know the biblical saying, “Ask and you shall receive”, it works in modern day time too. If you need a partner that is deserving of your heart, then make him earn it, become his Queen, not his doormat. Shy away from dating emotionally unavailable men who never tell you or show you how beautiful you are to them. Overall, be concise when you lay out your expectations and set definitive boundaries. If you never read this book [boundaries in dating, by H. Cloud & J. Townsend] please read it as it ties in what I have written.

In sum, know your worth and expect nothing less. This is the way you should live your life and make no excuses for what you deserve. You were created for greatness, so stop settling for crumbs because you deserve the full course meal, and then some. 

Thank you for stopping by my page and taking the time to read

Sincerely,

Khemeka B.