I realize as human beings that we decide who we choose to give our hearts to. It is not easy to open up to others, especially when you are not certain how they will reciprocate. Oftentimes we search for quality people because in this world we live in, more often that we suspect, people don’t always have the best intentions. Though they appear as they are genuine, their true self always gets revealed. Moreover, we are not psychics so we are unable to decipher who will be the real deal. Realistically, we cannot live our lives without giving people a chance to show their true colors. It is inevitable for us to learn to accept people for who they are and then you must adjust accordingly.
Recently there was a shift in my life, a shift I did not foresee happening, nor did I plan for it. The shift felt more like a shove, a punch, a swift kick to the jaw. The pain was instant and the hurt was deeper than a sword being forced deep into your heart. The sword however, cut both ways, and the blood (which was the pain and disappointment) poured through me and spilled into every crevice of my life. Though on the outward it appeared as though I was fine, inwardly I was slowly decaying. At that moment in time, I lost something, someone, very close to me. I thought of ways to get back what I lost because to me, I prefer quality over quantity any day. Not to mention, the minuscule thing that brought about the dissension was not worth me risking the lost of someone that important to me.
However, it was not up to me to decide when the reconciliation should commence. It has to be something both parties wish to engage in. If either party is not willing to have closure, then trust me, it will not be resolved. In my efforts to reconcile, I realized that there was more bad than good. It was confusing to me that I kept this individual in my life for such a lengthy period of time. To add to, acceptance was painful because I had to accept that this person was not truthful about how they felt about me. One thing that I respect is honesty but I have no tolerance for phoniness. If you are for me, then “Hooray”, if you are not, then communicate what is bothering you. No one person is perfect, so it is obvious that you are going to say, do, or even act out in a way that may be deemed inappropriate.
Therefore, I can respect when someone who claims they (love you like a fat kid loves cake) tells you how something you are doing or done is affecting them; at whatever capacity. What I do not appreciate is when that individual chooses to hold things inside and when they (unleash the dragon) attack you by bringing up stuff that happened years prior. No matter how truthful the claim, it is not fair to the person on the receiving end to be confronted with past issues, that were never brought to their attention. Nonetheless, as I sat and listened to the verbal lashing, I wondered, how many times have I been around this person and never, NOT ONCE, did they mention their true feelings.
Inwardly sitting there and listening felt like a brutal attack. I heard things that I did that I forgot that I did and stuff too long ago to remember, so I had no recollection because unbeknownst to me, their had been an underlying issue. Needless to say, when it came time for me to defend myself, it fell on deaf ears. I learned a great deal from that situation and hopefully, someone out there in cyber world can learn from what I endured.
For starters, avoid the following…
1) Don’t wait years to bring up things you don’t particularly like about your friend.
2) Don’t act like everything is cool if in essence, it really is not.
3) Take ownership for your part in the situation and don’t get defensive. Well at least TRY not to be defensive
4) Listen very careful to what they are saying
5) Forgiveness does not mean you will go back to being friends
6) Respect how people handle things, even if you don’t agree with their approach (we are all human beings and we all deserve the same respect)
7) Don’t use social media to air your dirty laundry (you can’t bad mouth someone conducting a matter in a classy way but ratchetness is and will always land you in the Hall of Shame)
8) Being silent does not mean you are weak, it is a true reflection of your strength
9) Learn what it means to choose your friends wisely
Lastly, I shared what I lost and briefly I will share what I found. I found out that I was friends with an enemy for 5 years and did not know it. I found out that you can forgive and not hate. I learned that the best part of being me is having a loving heart. I found out that when I hurt, it hurts those closest to me. They hurt because I am not myself and I become a shell of who I truly am. Today I am wiser and stronger than I was 8 weeks ago. In time I trust that I will fully recover from this lost but today is a good day. My bruise hurt but it is what it is, a bruise, it is meant to hurt in order to connect with the pain. The pain is my friendly reminder to be more careful of who I let into my heart and life. Honestly speaking, I could never really hate someone that I loved in the way I loved that person. In other words, I love this person even to this day but I DISLIKE who they have become. For that reason, I release my anger so that I can heal.
Some of my male friends have asked me to write this blog, because they are tired of their women being selfish lovers. The masses have spoken women, so here goes. This will be a three part post, this being part one. The first question to ask is 1.) Why are women so selfish in the bedroom?
Why are women so selfish in the bedroom?
For starters, you cannot label someone a selfish lover if you do not ask for what you want. Women are not mind readers, we want to satisfy our men. A woman does not feel comfortable knowing that her man is walking around sexually frustrated. If we can satisfy those needs, without degrading ourselves, then we will meet those needs. However, we are not talking about those women, we are talking about the selfish lovers. Selfish lovers oftentimes are not aware that they are selfish. They believe that the (little) will compensate for much. For starters, if your man is the one giving you oral but you frown upon it, you are selfish. If he is the only one that is being adventurous and creative in the bedroom, such as; role playing, using things to satisfy you, ANYTHING, that will get you to reach your climax, then you are selfish. Stop being a lazy lover, you have to keep the fire burning. If he likes you to role play, then play along, get wigs, outfits, pumps, do your makeup, whatever it takes, do it! Even if you are not in the mood, try to do something that can satisfy him for that moment. Let’s not be surreptitious here, we are GROWN and we need to talk like GROWN folks.
Come and talk to me is what you should be saying to your partner. Ask your partner to educate you on his wants and dislikes. You may have had a previous partner that liked PDA (Public Display of Affection) but your current partner may be apprehensive. You may think you know what pleases your current partner but until you ask them what they like, you are still in the dark. Don’t try to guess, just be humble and ask. Trust me, he wants to tell you but be patient, and don’t judge, it may be outside of your freak-o-meter tolerance. Ladies, stop acting like you are above certain things in the bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, it is up to each partner to decide what is outside of their comfort zone. Besides that, you and your partner should keep an open mind in the bedroom department.
“I want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed” – Ludacris
This couldn’t be a more truer statement from a man. They want their woman to be classy in the street but the complete opposite in the bedroom. Why? Who knows? Honestly speaking, woman you are not losing your classiness by becoming a super freak for your man. Remember, you are being a freak for your MAN, not EVERY man. You get it?! Don’t be a selfish lover, but keep him wanting more. I subscribe to this statement and have not had any complaints. Plain and simple, If he asks you to satisfy him by giving him Roger! Yes, a Roger is a old British term, look it up. I am trying to keep it as clean as possible here. If he ask you to give him a Roger, then give him a Roger. If you ask him to go deep sea diving, then he should be suited up in his scuba gear. Now you follow me?! Ok, Phew…thought I lost you for a second. Frankly speaking, there is no room for partners to be selfish of what they will or will not do for their mate.
Ladies, men need you to know two things. First off, they need respect and sex. Secondly, they want sex all the time. The only time a man will turn down sex is…let’s face it, they NEVER turn down sex. I know you may be annoyed because it appears as though I am siding with them. Not to mention, I am giving details on what you are doing wrong. I am not negating the fact that men can be selfish lovers but this not their time to be blasted. All I am trying to do is open your eyes to ways you may be selfish. I want you to be a giver and have a mindset of, he is mine, it is my duty to satisfy MY man. If you can grasp that concept and abide by that, then you are sure to have a healthy sexual relationship with your mate.
I am curious of your input, please leave a comment on the page.
Stay tuned for Part II: How to spice up your sex life
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Olivia and Peter dined at the local Thai restaurant in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. It was her favorite spot so it made perfect sense to have her date there. The server couldn’t help but notice that Olivia didn’t order but instead opt for a drink instead; Thai Iced Tea. It wasn’t normal of her to not eat, she has always had quite the appetite. However, tonight it appeared as if she became full by watching Peter devour his food. Indeed that is what it looked like, as he shoveled a fork full of food until his cheeks were fully extended. It looked as if Peter had not eaten in a week, literally and figuratively. None of this appeared to bother Olivia. She sat in her seat smiling and sipping on her tea in pure enjoyment. When the bill came, Peter let it sit there and looked up at her, smiling, or should I say smirking. She took the check and placed her credit card inside. Peter looked at her and said, “thanks for handling that, this has been a great date, I need to excuse myself to the little boys room, you are the best”! She forced a fake smile, to camouflage the disappointment and shocked she felt. As he walked by her chair, he placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it in a playful way. When the server came back with her receipt, she signed and waited for Peter to return. After fifteen minutes of waiting, and looking at the bathroom door, she came to the realization that he left. She called his phone and it went straight to voicemail. As she sat there, all she could do was look at the crumbs he left in the plate that sat on the table. Before the bus boy took away the plate, she licked her index finger and placed it on the crumbs on his plate. When she tasted the sweetness of the teriyaki sauce, she closed her eyes and savored every flavor.
People, how many of you would have tolerated this kind of treatment/behavior from your date? I could just imagine the eyes rolling and head snapping. However, you might say, “I would never tolerate that from my significant other”. Even though, the scenario might be different, most of us accept the crumbs in our dating relationships. We know what we would like in our mate but some of us would overlook all the things we want, for the sake of just having someone. What I mean is this, you say you would NEVER date a smoker but now you date a smoker. You are adamant about not dating a man without a job but now you date a man who can’t keep a job because of his temper and criminal background. In fact, you allow him to live in your home, rent (or mortgage) free as he 1.) Eats your food, 2.) Drive your car and use up your gas, 3.) Run up your utilities bills because remember, he doesn’t have a job so he is home watching television, and has every light on in the house…even when he isn’t in the room, the lights are on. You know exactly what I am talking about! Let’s stay the course here. The crumbs are all the things you didn’t want but now you find acceptable.
Olivia was hungry but she suppressed her hunger pangs because she was just happy to be on a date with Peter. Peter had no problem eating that food in her face, not even thinking twice about offering her a bite. He was just happy he had a free meal and a female happy to just be in his presence. He is not the one to blame, if you are not demanding what you want, then why blame the user. Olivia was the one happy with just the crumbs. Remember he walked off any didn’t give her the courtesy of saying goodbye. Most of you would have felt played, used, and unappreciated, right?! And right you would be if you felt all those things. If you allow someone to use you then understand that the problem lies within you.
Relationships aren’t for the faint of heart, they require two individuals committed to making it work. Therefore, if you are the one in the relationship that is doing ALL the doing, then you are accepting crumbs. Ask yourself these questions: 1) Can someone live off of crumbs alone? 2) Do I believe I deserve more than crumbs? 3) Can I handle more than crumbs? All these questions are helpful in aiding you to be brutally honest with yourself. I know someone who is beautiful, intelligent, funny, and has a heart of gold. However, she accepts crumbs because deep down inside she does not believe she is deserving of more than crumbs. Inwardly she is a bruised person, seeking and longing for someone to love her. Whether or not she believe she deserves better, she will never demand what she wants. People on the outside see that she lives off of crumbs but she won’t accept it. She believes that she can helps these men become the type of man she wants. Hahahah…sorry, that is even funnier writing it than when I heard her say it. People let me get one thing straight, we were not put on this earth to be anyone’s savior. In her mind she believes that they will grow to love her the way she loves and treats them. Doesn’t it sound like she is yearning for acceptance? Doesn’t that make you sad? Yet, this man continues to live in her home and give her all the crumbs she can digest. Frankly speaking, she is being used and he is not going to stop because apparently she is satisfied with what he has to offer; nothing!
My advice to anyone out there who can identify with Olivia. Be honest, I mean, as honest as you can be with yourself and your mate. If you start short changing yourself, then you deserve whatever poor treatment they offer. You must ask for what you want, you know the biblical saying, “Ask and you shall receive”, it works in modern day time too. If you need a partner that is deserving of your heart, then make him earn it, become his Queen, not his doormat. Shy away from dating emotionally unavailable men who never tell you or show you how beautiful you are to them. Overall, be concise when you lay out your expectations and set definitive boundaries. If you never read this book [boundaries in dating, by H. Cloud & J. Townsend] please read it as it ties in what I have written.
In sum, know your worth and expect nothing less. This is the way you should live your life and make no excuses for what you deserve. You were created for greatness, so stop settling for crumbs because you deserve the full course meal, and then some.
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How can you identify a man that is emotionally unavailable? Could you be dating someone that is emotionally unavailable? What precautions can you take to AVOID Mr. Emotionally Unavailable?
We all have a story of dating someone emotionally unavailable. I know my guys out there have dated a woman that was emotionally unavailable. However, this is a personal story and I hope you can learn from my experience and prevent or remove yourself from an emotionally unavailable relationship.
Let’s just start by saying, he looked good on paper. He was educated, ambitious, tall, confident, handsome, homeowner, stylish, great credit, funny, down to earth, sports lover (yes, a pre-requisite for me), and in great shape. He could charm the pants off of you with his silky smooth way of talking. Besides, he didn’t become an Executive for nothing. He was the best at what he did and boy did he know it. He was happy to have befriended a younger woman, 10 years his junior to be exact. We went to the best restaurants, concerts, trips, galas, and family functions. It wasn’t too much for him to spend as much as it took to keep me smiling. Moreover, what man wouldn’t want to learn the art of keeping his woman smiling? But I digress…let’s just say this; I was happy and mesmerized by my man. He didn’t rush me to give of myself when I was not ready; he was patient and a complete gentleman. Doesn’t this story just sound so amazing? So, where did it go wrong you might be wondering?
My relationship on the outside appeared to be the ideal relationship. However, what most didn’t realize was that I felt lonely in my relationship. Although he was generous with his money, with his time and heart, he was the stingiest person. Some men believe that if I am giving you money, then you should be content. The reality is women want quality time, not your money, your presence would suffice. He figured, you live in this big house, you have a nice car to drive, you have a home filled with nice things, and the bills are paid; what more do you want? In his mind I was ungrateful for asking for more but realistically, what I was asking for was the simplest thing. Mr. Emotionally Unavailable can give anything that is tangible but the intangible he cannot and will not give. His heart, the most intangible thing was so hard to give to the woman he claimed to love. I stayed in this relationship longer than I needed to. Regardless of how many times I requested to have more of his heart and time, my request fell on deaf ears. It got to the point where we would be in the house and not speak. It was as if we were roommates instead of lovers. Sadly, I decided to end it after 3 years. Before I moved out of the house, I decided to give him an earful of how I felt. Surprisingly, he knew that he was emotionally unavailable. He admitted that he was only comfortable with a woman getting close enough where he could still control his emotions. He said, he could not risk falling in love because then he would lose control.
How can you identify someone emotionally unavailable? One of the signs is, if he is ok with spending money but not comfortable with talking about how he truly feels about you. If after years of dating he is not interested in putting a ring on it, this is a sign. If he says you are his girl but all you do is go to his house and warm the bed, but hardly go out on dates, yup a major sign. Or if your situation resembles mine, then you are in dating someone emotionally unavailable. These are just a few things to get the wheels in your brain turning. Now, this does not mean you go and pick an argument with the guy you are dating and accuse him of being emotionally unavailable. Please don’t do that…let’s take a step back. What you should do is assess your relationship and ask yourself some simple questions. Please Read below!
Could you be dating someone who is emotionally unavailable and what precautions can you take to AVOID this type of man?
1) If you have been dating him for more than three months and his idea of a date is you coming to his place or vice versa and all you do is have sex. Honey you are dating someone who is emotionally unavailable because all he wants is sex not a relationship…RUN!
2) If you are living with each other and you may have his children but he does not want to get married. If his reasons are, it’s not a big deal because we already live with each other. Proceed with caution because he is emotionally unavailable. Men when they find their RIB aren’t afraid to make any form of commitment. I know some men who were ROLLING STONES (The Temptations, “Papa was a rolling stone”). However, when they met their RIB, they were ready to put their ways to the side and seal the deal.
3) The best precautionary measure is to make your partner aware of what your expectations.
a) If you are not looking for a sex partner- then during your courtship, avoid dates in each others homes- it always leads to the bedroom.
b) If you want to have children- then don’t date a man that says “I don’t want children or anymore children”. If he is being honest, then you be honest by not going any further in your courtship.
c) If you want to get married- don’t, I repeat, DON’T date a man that says he doesn’t believe in marriage. If you date this man then you have to accept what you get in return (no ring).
d) If you want a commitment- Stop dating men who already have girlfriends or wives. Accept the fact that you are the other woman you will never be number 1. Even if they leave their girlfriend or wife for you, who’s to say, he won’t cheat on you? Trust me, you are not that fly! Do not lie to yourself and think that you are exempt from being cheated on.
I would love to hear your input on this post. Please share if you have had experience dating someone that was emotionally unavailable. What steps are taking to avoid dating this type of person in the future?
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Let me start off by saying, it is not acceptable to make someone suffer for something they had nothing to do with. So, you got hurt from a prior mate and now EVERYONE after has to feel the wrath of your pain. Ummm…nooo! The real world does not work that way. This post is not just for the women, it is for man and woman alike. Read the real story below (Names have been changed to protect my friends) 🙂
Priscilla met John, a banker working on Wall Street. They met online on a popular dating website in November of 2012. After a week of back and forth emails and flirty text messages, they decided to meet face to face. When they met there was immediate attraction, I mean the birds were chirping and the violin playing (look, that’s how she told it). Anyway, he whined and dined her during the course of their dating. After two months, she decided she wanted to have that TALK we woman always feel the need to have. I mean, honestly, men hate the TALK. Why hasn’t anyone told woman to cut the crap. No man, I mean, no man, wants to feel like his back is against the wall. Literally, when we spring the TALK on them, they run and retreat to their caves (read the book Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus). Priscilla wanted to ask John where is this going? It was only two months, why are you having the TALK now?
John was very honest, as most mature men are. He told her that I like you but I am not in the business of rushing anything. Besides, I am enjoying things the way they are, going with the flow has been working thus far. In his mind he felt like it was a great talk and they continued to have dinner and cocktails at their fave restaurant (which he owned). Well, when she got home she decided that was the last time she was going to see him. Priscilla felt, she was wasting time with a man that did not want to commit. Let’s stop for a second and review what John said. He simply said, that he wanted to continue to allow their relationship to manifest in a natural way, no forcing, but simply going with the flow. This woman felt that was not enough for her.
Days turned to weeks and weeks to months. She did not return his calls for a while. He was confused and even reached out to her closest friend whom he had met. Even her close friend was confused and could not provide him with any meaningful explanation. John moved on and began dating again but he reached out to her one last time. He wanted to make sure he could walk away with some kind of clarity and closure. She answered and they finally spoke. After their chat, he walked away happy that he dodged a bullet (that bullet was a relationship with her). You see, the reason why she cut John off so abruptly was because she had a horrible past experience. She dated a man for three years who never made a commitment, even after living with him for two of those years. She walked away from that relationship feeling like she had wasted three precious years of her life. Therefore, she promised that every man after that relationship would never waste her time again. Honestly, I can understand her stand point but clearly, she is a bit warped in her mindset. The talk she had with John was too soon, it would have been fine after six months but not two. How can you put John in the same category as a man you lived with and dated for three years?!
People, just because someone else did not give you what you wanted, does not give you the right to make someone else pay for their mistakes. Also, take whatever lesson you learned from it and use it to your advantage. Why are you making your new partner suffer for someone else’s doing? Stop!!! If you don’t stop you will find yourself by yourself and wondering why you are alone & lonely. You are not meant to be with everybody. Some people truly come into your life for a reason, season, and others a lifetime.
In sum, enjoy the person you are dating and allow your friendship to manifest in a natural way. Let a man be a man and you focus on being a woman. Men feel like roles are reversed when we want to take control of the relationship and spring on them the TALK. Be easy ladies and let a man lead. Men are meant to lead and pursue. We are not competing people. Let’s work on leaving the pass in the pass and focus on the present. Let me reiterate, stop crucifying your present mate, when they did not inflict upon you the wound. If you are that wounded then maybe dating is not what you should be doing now.
Thanks for reading and I hope if not all but some of this helps.
Have you ever felt like, why am I not attracting the men that I want? Why are all the WRONG men flocking to me like flies? Hmmm…is it me? The truth is, Yes & No! Let me explain…
The saying goes, you are what you eat, and you are what you present. Have you ever noticed that when you are in a suit, certain men are more keen to show you attention. It is true, when you dress and carry yourself a certain way, it is inevitable that you are going to attract what you project. I mean, how could a guy wearing dirty jeans and uncombed hair feel comfortable approaching a woman like you (not saying that they won’t). Nonetheless, if he has any form of conscious, he would feel uncomfortable approaching you. Let me be very real here people. If you are walking around with your breast out, and your butt out, and expect to get a guy to treat with respect…then think again. Though men are visual, they are very territorial…think a loyal dog. Now, now…men, I am not calling you dogs (in a literal sense) are very loyal to their master. In fact, they do not like sharing their master with ANYONE! This reins true for a man that LOVES his woman. How can that man feel comfortable with his woman sharing her body with the world? Let me give you a moment to let that digest. Ok, you ready to move on? Alright, let’s move on. I want you to understand, men are not as complex as women.
Men, the beings we cannot live without (though I’ve tried) are simple. They know what they like and can easily express it in a sum of 2 minutes. Women on the other hand are so complex, we think we know what we want and will confuse the heck out of you with what we like and do not like, and what we expect and do not expect, and how he has to look, how tall he has to be, how high his fica score needs to be, this that and the third. You see what I mean…we are complicated! Now back to the topic at hand. Please, please, don’t think you are going to find your MR. Right, walking around with a sheer shirt showing all your itty bitties. Nope, sorry ladies, they want you but not to WIFE you. Yes, that is insightful information that you should heed. Therefore, my advice to you ladies out there looking to get the eyes of a perspective gent. The women looking for their Mr. Right for me, not Mr. Right now. Do me a favor, ask yourself this question, would you feel comfortable wearing the outfit you have on when you meet his mother or grandmother? If the answer is no, then seek the advice of some HONEST friends who will advice you on what not to wear. Every woman needs a circle of friends that are not going to massage your ego but tell you the truth, even though it may hurt your PRIDE. Trust me, the truth may hurt but it will save you from doing more damage to yourself. If all the people around you never tell you the UGLY truths about yourself, then they are not friends. In fact, you my friend has a group of FRIENEMIES!
I know you are asking yourself, what makes you suited to give out such advice? Listen to me darling. I can honestly say, I am a man living in a women’s body. Which means, I try my best to think like man so I can figure out how to get, please, and keep a man. Stop rolling your eyes…I don’t have all the answers but what I know, I will share with you freely (hence the blog). For you ladies still saying, I don’t cook and I don’t clean because I am an independent woman and I am nobody’s maid. Ok, see how long that holds up. Think about it this way, even if you have the money to pay for a nanny and chef. Wouldn’t you feel better knowing that you are the one feeding your MAN and cooking for your BABIES? I will leave you to answer that question because I am sure I touched a few nerves.
In sum, if you saw the movie last year, you know what I mean. Think like a man and act like a lady. It works, ask any of my friends, I am not desperate for a date, in fact, I turn them down. Not that I don’t want to date, it’s simply that I am focused on other more pertinent things at present. I hope if not all, but some of this helps.
Stay classy and project what you want!