He grabbed my arm tightly, it felt like blood vessels were bursting all at once under my skin.
He released my arm and as he did, my right hook connected with his jaw. He pushed me up against my car and held me there as I tried to headbutt him. I squirmed around trying to free myself. Finally, able to break free, once I stomped on his pinky toe with my 4” stiletto boots. OUCH!!!!! He screamed, and at the same time, one of his neighbors exited the front door and ran over to my aid.
“Hey guy, get the hell off her!”
Shawn, still in shock from the pain shooting through his body and this now, “Captain Save-A-Hoe” guy that appeared. Before he could say a word, the guy did some Bruce Lee move on his ass. All I saw was Shawn pinned up against the ground, with his left cheek in a urine stained chunk of snow, by my foot, on the sidewalk.
“Miss, get out of here. I got it!”
Within seconds, I heard the sirens, yes, the boys in blue pulled up. Now, let me paint this picture. Woman, clothes looking disheveled, due to man trying to prevent her from punching him again in the face. My appearance would leave anyone to believe that I was the one that was in danger. Then, you have a barely dressed black male; in gray sweatpants, no shirt, and barefoot. To make matters worse, you have a Caucasian male, restraining this black man, and a woman crying uncontrollably. What they don’t realize is that I am not crying because he physically hurt me, no, it’s the emotional pain that has me in this current fragile state. If you were the cops, arriving to this scene, it is quite obvious whom you would assume was the culprit in this matter. As you can see, this has escalated rather quickly.
One cop rushed over to assist the neighbor whom still had Shawn pinned on the ground. The other officer walked up to me to ask how I was doing. I told him that I was okay and was only having an argument with my boyfriend. He looked at me, if I were lying and merely covering up for Shawn, as if he were an abusive douche bag. I reassured him that I was leaving in the heat of an argument and my guy was simply trying to prevent me from leaving without talking. During our disagreement, the guy from the building came on the scene. My boyfriend was trying to prevent my attempt to repeat something I had done to him. I tried to avoid disclosing the fact that I physically assaulted Shawn.
By the time, the officer walked away to go and talk to Shawn, I leaned up against my car for support. My toes were numb, and my thighs felt as if I had hundreds of needles sticking me. Obviously, I was having the early onset of frost bites. Officer Wright, from the 79th Precinct, came back and told me that Shawn was not going to press charges. This son of a bitch! I can’t believe he told them that I sucker-punched him in the face. Well, he deserved it for cheating on me. I should have kicked him in the throat with my boots. Better yet, I wish his neighbor gave him a Karate chop to the throat.
I sat in the car waiting for the police to drive off. I had my head down browsing my Instagram page and watching a video, all while the car heat up. The tap on the window, broke my attention from the video I was watching on ‘Callhimrenny’ page. I looked up and it was Officer Wright.
“Ma’am, we’re going to need you to leave the premises. Your boyfriend said he feels unsafe with you being in front of his home. He is fearful of what you may do once we leave. He’s considering filing a restraining order against you. However, until he decides what he will do, please avoid any contact with him.”
I told the officer that I would comply with the request. I pulled off and drove to the corner store on Lewis and Jefferson Avenue. I bought a dutch and a ‘torch’ lighter. When I walked back to my car, I noticed that the back-left tire was a little low and in need of air. Before I pulled out of my parking space, I turned on the radio and DJ Dahved Levy was playing, “Hills and Valleys” by Buju Banton. The perfect song to get me in the right vibe before I smoke this spliff.
I began singing aloud to the verses and then my phone interrupted the song, over Bluetooth. I looked on my console and saw Satan’s name pop up. I let it ring out because I wanted his dumbass to know I was avoiding his call. I’m sure he thought I was driving back to DC now, with tear-filled eyes. It’s all good. I had already text Blake and told him that I was on my way to his house. He told me that the keys would be left in his mailbox, so I could let myself in. I was halfway home jamming out to some culture music. I was high as a kite. I made it from Brooklyn to Maryland in two hours, with only an hour more to spare. It was almost six thirty when my phone began ringing again. This time, the trifling demon called ten times back to back. I decided to find out what he wanted.
What the hell do you want?!
“Cut the crap Jen! You wanted this to end. You came fishing and you found what you were looking for. I want you to ship my stuff to me. And while you’re at it, send back the engagement ring. You don’t deserve to keep that ring.”
You are as small as your manhood. Only a useless person would say what you just said to me. You know what?!!
I am happy that I lost our baby. I wouldn’t want to bring a child into this world with your dumbass!
“Jennifer Madison Beckford!! Lose my F#$%*! $ number.”
Babe…I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it…
I heard the phone go dead on his end. He hung up. It was at this very moment that I came to the conclusion that there was no coming back from what I had just said. I crossed a line that no woman should cross. What we lived through was no joking matter to make light of. Nor should I have thrown it down his throat in a vindictive way. I’m an a@#hole.
I pulled into the driveway and bawled. It felt as if the life was escaping me, like a balloon losing all its air. I was unaware that I was holding my breath, thankfully my brain reminded me that it needed oxygen. I gasped and swallowed a gulp of air. I cried the same way I did the day we lost our son that was born stillbirth. The same heartache, this time worst!
It was our 8-month check-up with my OB GYN. I always enjoyed our visits, especially when I was further along and could hear the baby’s heartbeat on the fetal doppler. Today was the day I would show Dr. Liz my engagement ring, as she kept teasing Shawn on putting a ring on it. She’s a huge fan of ‘Queen Bey’ and loved bringing up any Beyoncé song at the drop of a dime. She even went as far as singing one of her hit songs on our last visit,
“If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it.
“Don’t be mad once you see that he want it…” We shared a laugh.
I went ahead and changed into the scrubs prior to her entrance. I laid on the examination table, with Shawn to the right of me holding my hand. Dr. Liz walked in and greeted us with the same usual perky attitude. She would always remind me to eat, as my pregnancy caused me to experience rapid weight loss. My morning sickness was horrendous. I hated the mere sight of food. I had 24-hour nausea. We small talked to pass time, as she reviewed my chart. My blood pressure was normal, weight was the same as the month prior. She put the lubricating gel on my stomach, we talked about the trip she was going on with her husband to Dubai. She put the device on my stomach and started making circular motions. The next thing I knew the conversation came to a halt.
She asked if I felt any kicking or ‘flutters’ today. I told her that the baby wasn’t as active today. Not realizing until that moment that there was a problem. She told her medical assistant, Kem, to run into the other examination room and grab her the prob. I asked if everything was okay. She didn’t want to look at me.
Dr. Bryan, please speak to me!! Is everything okay with my baby?!
At this time, Shawn stood up and walked to the counter. I guess he needed to lean against something because now, I had released his hand. He slowly put his hands to his head, then his mouth. I’m guessing he was battling something internally. My baby was doing his darnedest to hold it together.
“I’m sorry but I’m not hearing a heartbeat. Please wait until Kem returns. I need to confirm with the Probe.”
Dr. Liz…No, No, Nooooo! This can’t be happening.
What do you mean you don’t hear a heartbeat?!!
Kem entered the room, sweat beads had formed on her eyebrows. She looked confused and concerned at the same time. I looked at Shawn, he was off to the corner of the room now, rocking back and forth but still on his feet. He walked back to the counter, directly facing me but his eyes were looking pass me. He clearly was in a trance, somewhere mentally far, far away. The agony in his face, of the unknown; was grueling.
Dr. Liz inserted the probe inside me and asked that we all remain silent as she listened for a heartbeat. I laid there stock-still with tears streaming down my face. When she spoke, a part of my heart shut down. Sometimes, the simplest words carry more weight than you can manage.
“Jennifer and Shawn, I am terribly sorry.”
As she said those words, I realized my plans to bring home our baby boy were over. The nursery that we had spent months decorating, in anticipation for the day we brought home Shawn Anthony, were gone. I don’t think we really recovered from that. We simply have been in autopilot for the past few years. How does one recover from the loss of a child. The day after the visit, they scheduled the procedure for me to deliver my deceased son. I wanted to hold him, and feel him in my arms. I always wanted to be a mother. I wouldn’t let this unfortunate outcome rob me from hugging and holding my baby. When Shawn held him, he finally released that pain in a deafening scream. He sobbed as he held him for more than twenty minutes. The nurse had to convince him to give her our son. The way Shawn looked at me, caused me to feel as if I was partially to blame. Not sure why I felt that way.
Shawn and I began seeing a Bereavement Counselor for a year. We went twice a month as a couple and the other times by ourselves. Within the year, instead of healing and growing closer, we grew a part. We realized there was a major strain on our relationship. Shortly after, my friend Nanna, introduced me to smoking weed. Marijuana became my outlet with coping with my emotional pain. I hated the smell but grew addicted to the way it made me feel. I was obsessed with not wanting to feel anything and weed was successful in allowing me to achieve that.
I walked up the steps and grabbed the keys out the mailbox. I stopped and sent him a quick text, letting him know that I was about to enter the house. I wasn’t sure if he deactivated the security system. When I walked inside, I smelled bacon and eggs. I made a pit stop to the bathroom, all that water had my bladder extended. I dried my hands and walked past the kitchen into the bedroom. He didn’t realize that I was in the house, as he had “Shake Body” by Skales blasting. I glanced him in the kitchen but decided to continue to the bedroom.
I walked into the bathroom, now filled with candles and the smell of Strawberry Butter incense burning, making love to my nostrils. I undressed and retrieved the towel and rag he left on the chaise, at the foot of his bed. I kept the lights off in the bathroom and allowed the natural light to fill the space. I turned on the water to achieve the desired temperature. I then pinned my hair and put on his skull cap to prevent my hair from getting wet. When the water was to my liking, I stepped into the steamy shower. I washed and scrubbed my body as if I were washing away the pain. I spent more than 20 minutes just letting the water flow off every inch of my body. When I felt a freeing sense of calmness, I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower unto the memory foam bath mat. I began drying off but his bathroom is narrow, so I decided to finish drying off in his bedroom space. When I reached for the handle of the door, at the same time, Blake swung open the door. He looked at me, as if I were a precious prize. He stood there with my breakfast on a Sterling Silver tray. I was surprised to see that he had coffee and freshly squeezed orange juice as well. He was as thoughtful as he was sexy.
The best part of this was that he was standing there in his birthday suit. He obviously was happy to see me and his body confirmed that visually. I love getting his attention in that way. I walked past him, holding my towel closed, as it was small and was not easy to keep fastened. I sat on the chaise and began eating. At that time, he got on his knees and put my right foot in his hands. I was unaware of his intentions with my feet at this moment. I figured he would give me a massage. Yes, a massage. I sure as heck needed one after the frost bites my toes experienced. I finished the bacon and eggs, now I tackled the pancakes. OMG…this food is so damn good. Wait a minute! The blood from my stomach went to the lower region of my body. I opened my eyes, unaware that I closed them from the sensual bliss I just experienced. He had my toes in his mouth, in an apparent attempt to feast on them, as I was with his delectable, mouthwatering meal. I quickly put the plate down on the chaise. No longer able to concentrate on eating. I leaned back on the arm of the chaise and allowed my body to respond to this surreal moment. I told him to stand up because he needed to be rewarded for making me feel so good. Now that he was standing directly in front of me, I tied my hair back in a bun and began to… <>
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The morning after…
I woke up parched but water wasn’t what I craved. The thing I thirst was laying across town in his bed, wondering if and when I would take him up on his offer. Blake opened up Pandora’s box and I wasn’t sure if I had the will-power to close the door. I laid in my bed, next to my fiancée, fantasizing about how soft his lips were. I found myself feeling stimulated all over from the idea of one more taste of his kiss. As I turned to the side, in an attempt to crawl out of bed, without awakening Shawn, something sharp stabbed my side. Ouch!! I yelled out at the top of my lungs, in the most dramatic way. Shawn moved around a bit but didn’t wake from his slumber.
I guess this is my punishment for trying to sneak out the room to send sexy pictures to another man. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and disconnected it from the charger. Once again, I thought the sound would wake Shawn but to my surprise, he slept through it all. I tip-toed out of the bedroom, stubbed my pinky toe on the file cabinet we had right across from the sofa. I wanted to avoid turning on the lights, so I felt my way through the darkness until I found the love seat. Once I was no longer within earshot of Shawn, I sat down and put my foot up on the ottoman. I unlocked my phone in a haste, using with my fingerprint, a new feature I activated last night. I guess if I was going to commit to stepping out on my man, I better be careful and use as many precautionary measures. My phone opened to three new text messages and all from Blake; whose name was saved as “Elizabeth”. The first text read, “when are you going to finish me off?” The other texts were so steamy, I had to delete them but not before I sent both to my email. My virgin eyes were scarred for all the right reasons.
I sent him a text with some available days when I knew I wouldn’t be in court. I had a trial approaching and I wanted to be sure that my availability was concrete, to avoid the need to reschedule. Coincidentally, my available days coincides with the days Shawn is slated to be in New York. We texted for about an hour and would have continued but I heard Shawn opening the bedroom door. I quickly hid the phone under my butt and pretended to be asleep. Though, it seemed odd for me not to be in the bed, I am sure he expected to find me in the restroom, not (pretending to be) asleep in the love seat. Fortunately, I turned off my volume earlier, for this very reason. You never want to get caught, not if you can avoid it.
Surprisingly, he went directly into the bathroom without acknowledging my presence. When he came out, he called me, finally he stood right over me and scooped me up into his arms. I did my good ole’ acting and jumped up, pretending to be surprised by this Hercules act. My acting was definitely Oscar worthy. He asked what I was doing in the living room, so I made up a lie about how my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), was acting up and how I wanted to avoid potentially waking him, with my frequent visits to the restroom. Check mate. Little did he know, t-minus five minutes ago, I was sending X-rated pictures to his boy. Ha-ha. What a savage beast I am. The fact that he bought it, showed how skilled I was at lying. He ushered me back to bed and we had a quick session before we both fell asleep.
I was excited for his promotion and how it would allow for Blake and I to have some fun. A part of me felt guilty for agreeing to fool around with his boy but the other part of me was numb. I went as far as contacting my friend Kay, a realtor in Brooklyn, to help with finding his short-term rental. She waived the broker’s fee, took the application fee and security deposit through Venmo. All Shawn needed to do was view the space, sign the month-t0-month agreement and collect the keys. The rest was a done deal. I just needed to get through the next couple of days with Shawn, then Blake and I could commence with our plan.
The day before…
I did what any fiancée would do in a time of celebration. I cooked his favorite lamb and curry dish with sautéed spinach and my famous mashed potatoes. I went to Whole Foods on P. St, in Northwest DC. As I walked down the aisle to pick up his favorite Kale Chips, at a glance, I saw a tall man cross my aisle, that resembled this hottie from my spin class. I dropped the container of Brad’s Crunchy Kale Chips into my hand basket and proceeded to walk towards the end of the aisle. As I approached the end of the aisle, I slipped and would have fallen, had it not been for muscular arms bracing my fall. As I guessed, it was the sexy guy from my spin class.
Hi! Trying to remembering his name but drawing a blank. Thank you for preventing me from losing all my cool points and possibly getting a concussion. Ha-ha
“No problem. I spotted you as I was passing the aisle. I wasn’t sure if you were by yourself, so I kept walking. Then I thought to myself, if you noticed me, how rude it would be for me to not come back and at least say, hi. Thankfully I did because it appears that you needed my help. Hahaha”
Yes, it appears so. Forgive me, I forgot your name.
“No worries. I’m Blake. I know you forgot my name because it’s so hard to pronounce and spell. Blame my mother.”
Oh. So, I’m dealing with a smart ass?! I see now. I love a good laugh and I def. deserve that. I know you’ve introduced yourself a couple of times after and before class. I suck with remembering names. Then again, I have no reason to commit your name to memory. You understand, don’t you?!
“Ouch. Yikes. That burned. Sorry if my joke was in any way offensive, as that was not my intent. I love to make people laugh and smile. Especially a beautiful lady as yourself. “
Oh no…forgive me. I was busting your chops. Sweetheart, I am quick with it. I thought you would catch onto my snarky remark. Trust me, we are good.
“Oh snap. Is that a little New York, I hear?”
Yes, you pick up quickly grasshopper. Ha-ha.
“Jokes. Really?! Now you sound ancient with that ‘Karate Kid’ reference. “
You know what?! I’m going to let you live because you clearly have no respect for your elders.
“Jen. I am really enjoying this banter. But, instead of blocking the chips aisle, what’s say we finish up our chat over a drink? I know this really cool bar/lounge in the neighborhood by the name of, Wisdom. I am offering to pay for your Juno, drive you, or carry you on my back. What will it be?”
That’s very sweet of you and I am really flattered. However, I am headed home to cook dinner for my fiancée.
“Oh. I can’t say that I’m surprised that you are involved. My offer was purely harmless. I only wish to continue talking with you. Unless you are afraid to be alone with me?”
You’re right. A quick drink would be nice. What’s the cross streets? I’ll meet you there.
“See you in twenty.”
I quickly loaded my trunk with the grocery bags and warmed up my car a bit. As I was about to pull out of my parking spot, a call came up and the name on my console, read Shawn Lew. I put the car in park and answered, trying not to sound guilty. I don’t know why I felt guilt, as if I had done something inappropriate.
What’s good Ma?!
How’s your day going?
“I’m good. Headed home to make Massa’s food.”
You’re a fool! Okay, that’s what I like to hear. Make sure you’re wearing little to nothing when I walk through that door.
“Your wish is my command, Daddy!”
This is why I love you! Oh, and the fact that you can cook your ass off. I’m getting off a little early so, expect me around 7:30 instead of 8:30pm. Cool?!
“Oh, okay. I was actually headed to grab a quick drink with a gym buddy. I may not be ready with dinner for 7:30 but I will try.”
“She’s from my spin class. We just bumped into each other in Whole Foods.”
Okay. Sounds fun. As a matter of fact, my old college roomie hit me up on Facebook. He is supposed to let me know if he has time to grab a drink this week. I may take him up on his offer since you are running behind. I’ll keep you posted on my whereabouts.
“Nice. See you later, Sexy!”
I pulled out of the parking lot and when I pulled up to the lounge, there was a spot directly in front. I had enough time to retouch my makeup and spray a splash of perfume. My favorite go-to lipstick, Ruby Woo, by MAC, is always a hit. I walked up to the door and almost turned back around. Everything inside of me told me not to go inside. I already lied to Shawn that I was meeting a female friend. I felt horrible. As I walked through the door, my eyes surveyed the room until they landed on Blake. He was sitting in the corner, off to the side, almost hidden in the cut. He had on a Black fitted button down shirt, and two buttons were undone, enough to show the some muscles. I tried to control my sexual urge to jump his bones. Damn, I am so weak for a chocolate fine ass man with muscles. Not to mention, he’s 6’4, with massive hands. Oh my!
I walked slowly to the table and as he saw me approaching, he stood up. We drank and talked for what felt like twenty minutes but it was really an hour. When I felt my phone vibrating next to me, I knew it was Shawn. I excused myself to the restroom and answered my phone before it went to voicemail. Shawn had gotten off the metro, literally around the corner from the bar. Of course, he had no idea that I was here. He told me that he was going to meet his buddy and a lady friend he bumped into at the grocery store. I asked him which bar, and like lethal injection, I was stunned when he said; Wisdom. I almost dropped my phone.
He asked if I wanted to join them, now that he realized his buddy had a lady friend present. He wanted to avoid being the third wheel, let alone, run the risk of one of my friends reporting back that they saw him out with a guy and a girl. What did you say, your friend’s name was? His name is Blake, sweetheart. He begged me to join them but I declined. I agreed to pick him up in thirty minutes, as he also informed me that he left his car keys at work and had no way of getting home. The weather was brutal and Shawn was a pre-Madonna, when it came to walking in the snow. He felt that the salt that’s used to thaw the ice, eats away at the stitching of his fine Italian leather shoes. I digress.
As I was trying to rush off the phone, he became silent on his end. He starts laughing and said, you wouldn’t believe it, but there’s a car that looks exactly like yours but cleaner. He was unaware that earlier in the day, I stopped off to get my car washed. We ended the call with me agreeing to call him once I was outside. I panicked because now that I knew he was outside, how do I wrap up my conversation with Blake and rush the hell out without being caught. I opened the bathroom door and quickly slammed it. My eyes did not just see what I thought I saw. No frigging way! Shawn and Blake were chatting at the table. I prayed that there were two Blake’s and that the man I spent the last hour flirting with, couldn’t be the same man my man was meeting.
I am so lucky that I kept my jacket on, due to the lounge having poor heating. I sent a text to Blake, hoping that he would read it and be discreet. I told him that the man he was talking to was my fiancée and I needed to sneak out, as I did not want to make things any more awkward than they already were. I snuck out the side exit, the one directly across from the bathroom. I got in my car and rushed to the wine shop, Bed-Vyne, to pick up a bottle of red and white wine. By the time, I headed back to the bar, I called Shawn but his phone rang out. I called him three more times and he didn’t answer. Finally, I doubled parked and ran inside, trying to compose myself for this very weird meet and greet. Blake saw me approaching but unlike earlier, he did not get up. He looked in my direction and went back to focusing on whatever Shawn was rambling about.
I tapped Shawn on the shoulder, Blake looked at my hands on his coat. His eyes stayed there as if the sight of me touching my man paralyzed him. Shawn turned around and stood up quickly. He gave me a quick peck on the lips and said, “Blake, meet my lovely fiancée, Jennifer.” Blake shook my hand with such fervor and force that it left my pinky finger sore. It was obvious that Blake read my text and now seeing us together, something shifted. He kept his cool and told me how nice it was to meet me. All I could think about was how his hands were caressing my thighs under the table earlier. How we spent ten minutes before that call making out at the table, without a care in the world. Now, as I stand there, like a complete stranger, it actually gave me a rush.
Honey, we really need to run as I am double parked outside. As I turned to walk away, Shawn grabbed my arm. It was then that I learned that he had invited Blake over for dinner. He went on about how it would be nice to catch up over dinner. Blake broke his silence and said, he would have invited his lady friend but she rushed out a few minutes ago, to tend to a personal matter. Oh, this m’fer was savage. He was anything but subtle in his remark. His “lady friend.” This man was going to be a handful but lucky for me, I have big hands. I grinned and smiled and told them I’d wait in the car so they could satisfy their tab.
I walked back to my car and subconsciously locked the doors to clear my mind. My trance was interrupted by the tapping on the window. I unlocked the car doors and dreaded agreeing to having Blake as our dinner guest. However, how could I not be enthusiastic? This is a man that I am not supposed to know. I tuned out their conversation and replayed the discussion I had with Blake in my head. I guess I was unaware of my speeding until Shawn tapped my leg. Jen, now is not the time to be a speed demon. “Yes, honey.”
I left them to unload the car and after dinner was done, we all retired to living room. Shawn and I sat on the chaise, while Blake chilled on the sofa. We all enjoyed the bottle of Sauvignon Blanc until it was completed finished. It was at this time that Shawn excused himself to the restroom. As soon as Blake heard the bathroom door lock, he came to the chaise and started making out. I felt as if I were having an out of body experience. I couldn’t believe my boldness, and arrogance, yet it was an exhilarating feeling. I enjoyed being so daring, especially when you realize that you can be caught but you realized, you are getting away with it. That is the ultimate rush. I decided to tune out my morals and give in to my wild side. Basically, I sat there under his spell, unable to move, not wanting to move. I drank his kisses as if my body needed them for sustenance. I almost didn’t hear when Shawn opened the bathroom door. He walked into the bedroom, maybe to change his clothes.
Now that we had more time, I mounted his lap. I grind on him, like a teenager trying to sneak around while my parents are in the other room. I was so turned on that I made a mess though my undies onto his jeans. Neither of us noticed until he pulled my hair to gain my focus on what I was causing to rise in his jeans. I stopped and slowly dismounted his lap. As I did, he pointed out the stain on his denim. I quickly got the wash cloth and began cleaning him up. He kissed my forehead and whispered, “good girl”, before he slapped my butt and sent me back to my cleaning duties. Moments later, Shawn re-entered the room and turned on Sports Center. It was the final quarter of the Cavs and Bulls game. I left the room to go and get ready for bed. <To be continued>
He told me that he wanted to be friends, nothing too serious, just kick it for a bit. I gladly obliged because I told myself that I wasn’t ready to be in anything complicated. We decided to meet up at Red Rooster in Harlem for some drinks. We met up and talked and shortly after decided to head downstairs to Ms. Ginny’s Supper Club. This man is the type of guy that can charm the panties off of you. He oozed sex appeal from his well groomed face, his built body, his tailored suit, and intoxicating fragrance. I was being bewitched by his swag with no protest. I played it cool, not giving him any indication that he had me. Sporadically he would check his phone and excuse himself to take phone calls. In fact, at one point, he left me for more than thirty minutes. If he weren’t so fine, I would have left his rude behind at the restaurant but I overlooked his un-gentleman like behavior. When he returned to the table, he ordered another round of cocktails before we agreed to head back to his loft in Tribeca. The angel on my left shoulder said, “Take your behind home. You know this is going to result in you having regrets in the morning.” On the other hand, the devil on my right shoulder said, “Girl you deserve to get your needs met, look at his lips, they look like they can work magic.”
We jumped in his Benz, parked outside of the restaurant and drove to his sanctuary. When I walked into his place, I took off my shoes and suddenly my body was lifted in mid-air. He hoisted me upon his shoulders and began to inhale my scent, as though he were sniffing a freshly picked rose. My head tilted back in gratification as I waited for his next move. When he carried me into his room, the candles and music took my mind and body to a far away enchantment. I was held captive until he had his way with every inch of my pulsating body. We made music with our bodies until my pelvic bone ached. His lips searched my body, until he discovered the way to make my vocals tremble. I closed my eyes when he went deep into my sea and dived slow and steady. This moment lasted as long as my climax would allow. When it was over, we spooned and dozed off in each others arms.
The morning after
I awoke to a sexy man in his birthday suit with his legs wrapped around me. I snuck out of the bed, as quiet as possible. I decided it wasn’t necessary to awake him and opt for leaving a note on his nightstand. In my mind, I had to leave quickly, last night was too good and I did not want to start catching feelings. Besides, men do it to woman all the time. They are the ones that can have sex and refrain from getting emotionally attached. I felt guilty for leaving that way but shrugged it off immediately. I reminded myself that I didn’t owe him an explanation, this is not meant to be complicated; it’s meant to be casual sex. He called me and was obviously very upset. Thought he did not ask why I left without saying goodbye, I knew he was angry. I ignored his little attitude and offered to take him to dinner the following day.
As the months went on, we became inseparable. The closer we became, the more I saw a future for us. I found myself falling deeply for him and wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. However, after six months of dating, I ended it. I realized that I had not fully healed from my last relationship. It was unfair to string him along and act as though I were ready for this committed relationship. When he was ready, mentally I was not. It was so hard for me to escape the unhealthy thoughts that constantly plagued my mind. The hardest part was letting him go. Frankly speaking, he wasn’t the issue, my broken heart was. I allowed myself to be courted and pursued, even though, I knew I was not ready. I was selfish because although I was not ready for a relationship, I feared another woman having him. I had allowed things to get complicated.
Relationships are not for the faint of heart. To take on the responsibility of someone else heart and emotions is a HUGE responsibility. You have to put in what you want to get out. Before you say you want to be someone’s WOMAN or MAN. You first need to do an assessment of your heart and mind. Personally, when it was time for me to walk away from that relationship, it was the best decision I could have made. It felt great to be brutally honest with myself and stop people pleasing. It is unacceptable to toy with people’s emotions. It took me breaking someone’s heart to learn about my immaturity. Now that I am in a committed relationship, it feels completely different. This time around, I was ready for my man because I gave myself time to heal and work on me. He is now able to get 100% of me, not a fraction. Individuals have to give their hearts time to heal before bringing people into your life. If your wounds from a past relationship are still fresh, don’t get caught up in a relationship.
It would be unfair for your mate to feel as if, they have to constantly be compared to your ex. In fact, if you are still constantly bringing up your ex, maybe, just maybe, you are not completely over them. Never run into a new relationship before you are fully over the previous one. No one deserves to be a REBOUND. Ask yourself this question, how would you feel if you knew someone was using you as a rebound? Would that make you feel secure? Would you feel special? Exactly, you would feel used and hurt. My partner had his share of heartache but he does not crucify me for his former mate transgressions. We are building and forging a healthy and meaningful relationship. The bond that we are creating, nothing and no one can and will come between us; unless we allow them to.
So, when you look at the woman in the picture above, think of strength, endurance, maturity, determination, and contentment. It takes a strong woman to admit her faults and a stronger man to get her to follow his lead.
I turned the handle and walked into the candlelit room. They weren’t aware of my presence. Her back was turned to the door, as she straddled him and moved in rhythmic motion. I walked to the foot of the bed and watched until they changed positions. He noticed me first; he immediately flung her off of him. As she hit the floor, a sadistic joy resonated through me. I found pleasure in seeing her bang her shin on the edge of the bed when she fell. That’s what you get you nasty *#@%@^! Paralyzed in shock, I stood in silence for what felt like hours. The air smelled of pure shame. The initial shock I felt was mind boggling! Do I catch a case or walk away defeated? I wanted to destroy both of them, starting with Vince. But first, let me see how it feels to put my fist through his face. I snapped and threw the cable box with force in the direction of his head. He dodged it and ran into the bathroom and locked the door. Julia sat on the floor with fear in her eyes. She screamed, “Baby!! NOOO! Please don’t do this!” Even in my rage, I could never hurt her. I was raised better than that. I ran out of the room and grabbed my gun from the linen closet. I B-lined for the bathroom, today he was going to learn. I broke down the bathroom door and searched it thoroughly. Vince, agile bastard, had jumped out the window and fled the scene.
I went back into the bedroom, sweat beads rolling down my face, where I found her on the bed in fetal position. Weakness hijacked my body as I fell to my knees, with the gun still in my hand. All of a sudden, it came; tears escaped me, accompanied with sobs. Within minutes, I felt her gentle hands on my face, wiping away my tears and kissing me softly. I felt like a baby in the only arms I found comfort. The gun fell from my grip unto the floor. I don’t recall how long we sat in silence but it was enough for me to think. A particular chain of events kept racing through my mind.Who was I kidding! I brought this to our relationship. I was the one that agreed to join Vince and his wife that night in Philly to a swinger’s party. Had I kept this lifestyle from Julia, then maybe, we would have avoided this catastrophe. I failed myself as a man and as a partner. She said she never done anything like this before and I persuaded her. My woman wasn’t a freak, at least that’s what she led me to believe.
On Cinco de Mayo, we decided to hang out with Vince in Philadelphia, PA. We drove up four hours from the DMV area. He said he had a packed scheduled for our visit. We did some touristy stuff; museum, shopping, and dinner at Ms. Tootsies. When both Julia and I eyes grew heavy, we decided to head back to the Loews hotel. Vince interjected, “Please come with us to a private party nearby”. Julia was in agreement, so we decided to go back to the hotel room to freshen up. We killed some time enjoying our suite and then took a quick nap. After our nap, we felt rejuvenated and took a quick shower together. As I began gently massaging oil on Julia’s back, my phone rang. It was Vince, “What’s up? I wanted to let you know that the less you wear, the more comfortable you will feel. No need to get suited up. Please leave the bow tie at home.”
Vince, what do you mean less is more? What kind of party is this? He laughed and said, “It’s a swingers party that my wife and I like to frequent when we are in town. It is a friendly and mature crowd of married and single couples. Everything is done in a classy, controlled, and confidential manner. Unless you’re afraid you might run into one of your students? LOL!” Mannnn, are you serious? Julia won’t stand for that. “Jay, come on cuz…didn’t you mention you told Julia your fantasy was to see her with another woman?” That’s besides the point; I’ve never been to one of these parties. All I know is what you’ve told me. What if it gets out of control? I’ll be damn if another dude even sneezes near my woman. What do I tell her? I want to go but fear her response. Help me out here, I’m interested! “Tell her that you would like your early birthday gift tonight. Just give her two shots of Hennessy, she’ll loosen right up. Trust me, I do that with my wife and she is normally swinging off the chandeliers by the time we get to the party. LOL! So are you down?” Yea, just give me twenty minutes.
“Is everything alright babe?” Sheila asked. Yes my love, let’s just have a drink before we head out. “Sure, I’m game”. Sheila replied. Let’s toast to a great night and keeping an open mind. That must have slipped past her because she said nothing. We had three rounds of Hennessy. I know I was wrong for trying to get her tipsy but she’ll forgive me. After we were feeling tipsy and mellow, we headed to meet Vince and his wife in the lobby. We walked into the party and Julia just jabbed me in my side. I half expected worst but my baby is open-minded, so she agreed to stay.
The first hour we watched and took it all in. We were the only ones fully dressed. People came up to us and asked if we wanted to “Play”. We found this all odd but didn’t know the swingers language. Then we saw her across the room. She must have been half Vietnamese and Black. She was built like a brick house- thighs and hips for days! Julia noticed her at the same time, we both said “DAYUUM!” I was almost knocked to my knees by her beauty but out of respect to Jules, I controlled my excitement. She spotted us, maybe because we were practically drooling. Seriously, we were obvious.
Hello, my name is Madam Elizabeth. I saw you both from across the room and wanted to come and introduce myself.
My name is Jay and this is my lady Julia. We apologize if we were staring but this is our first time and this is all very new for us.
Oh…newbies! I love newbies because I love to pop your cherries. I have been in the life for many years. This is my club and I personally want to welcome you. Let me show you around, there are different rooms you can visit. I trust you will find each room quite intriguing. Please Julia, take my hand, I promise I won’t bite- unless you want me to.
I was excited, mentally and visibly. We followed her around like kids in a candy store. The only difference was, instead of candy being sold, pleasure was on the menu; we couldn’t believe our eyes. There were showers, prophylactics, leather whips, neck collars, blind-folded people, videos, and things I can’t mention; surreal! We found Vince in one of the rooms with his wife and one of the off-duty officers. Let’s just say, it’s not my business what he and his wife does. By the second hour, Julia and Liz were like bosom buddies. Then it happened, so sudden, I couldn’t prevent it. Liz kissed me on my lips and I kissed her back; with no regret. Julia pulled her off me; it was obvious she felt some kind of jealousy. She stormed out of the club and I chased after her. For the remainder of the trip, she gave me the silent treatment.
When we got back home, she sat me down and addressed what happened. As we were talking, the phone rang. Sheila answered the phone and her face lit up. She hung up the phone and said, “That was Liz, she wanted to make sure we made it back safely.” What do you mean, that was Liz? “Oh, I gave her our number. Besides, she’s coming into town in a few weeks and wondered if we’d host her? I figured you would be ok with that, are you?” I am not sure how to feel, given your response to her kissing me. “NO! You mean, when you kissed each other! Don’t try to put it all on her Jay! You willingly kissed her back and you know it!” You’re right honey. I only wanted to stop the fussing and get back to watching the Heats & NY Knicks game. The sooner we get over with this, the sooner I can go back to the game.
“Jay, I think I am ready to experience this lifestyle but instead of a woman, I would like another man. What do you say?” Hell No!!! Have you lost your DAMN mind woman?! You can’t be serious! You are the BIGGEST hypocrite! She screamed.” Why is it ok for you to have your fantasy and deprive me of mine? If I can’t have my fantasy then you won’t get yours. Are we clear Jay?” Yes, we are clear. I wish we never went. Vince made it all seem so natural. “So you mean to tell me that Vince orchestrated all of this?! How could you allow another man to compromise our relationship?!” She was right; I should have never invited this into our relationship.
Liz came into town two weeks later. Julia said she’d prefer if she made it a girl’s hangout instead. I completely understood and felt relieved that I didn’t have to endure the awkwardness of seeing Liz again. I made plans to hang with my boys Jahson and Ben. We played soccer, had brunch, scotch and cigars at Oleo’s. I found it odd that Julia hadn’t checked in but I left it alone.
I got home after 11, walked into the bedroom and realized she beat me there. I saw flicking lights peeking through the bottom of the door. I turned the knob and walked in to find her soaking in the Jacuzzi. The candles were lining the perimeter of the tub. She quickly removed her eye mask, and smiled as she saw. Warmness fell all over me. “Hey Sexy! How was your day?” It was great beautiful, and yours? “It was great, lots of shopping and kissing? Beg your pardon? “You heard what I said; let me show you the pictures.” She asked me to pass her bag, which was on the floor by the toilet. I raced over to it and when I turned to walk, I saw something unusual.
Inside her bag was her underwear bunched up into a ball. I looked past that and fished out her phone. When I passed her the phone, she scrolled to show me the pictures but I had already lost interest. “What the hell is wrong with you babe?! Isn’t this what you wanted?” I’ll tell you what I wanted, as soon as you tell me why your damn panties are inside your bag? You better start talking and I mean NOW! She stood up and got out of the tub. I watched her dry herself and walk back into the bedroom; where I followed her lead. Are you going to say anything? I will not be ignored Julia! I grabbed her arm and swung her to face me. “Ouch. Get the hell off of me Jay. You play too damn much.” I stepped back and look at her face, it looked suspicious. When she spoke again, she started off with….
Thank you for reading Part II- Stay tuned to the final chapter to this series.
“Good Morning Honey! I made your favorite (Exeter) Corned Beef Sauce, Fried boiled plantains, Yam and Omolette”
“Good Morning Sheila! Why are you up so early? Its 6:00 am on a Saturday, are you ok?”
I am doing well my love but I had a hard time sleeping, your phone kept going off. Philip checks his phone that was stashed on the night stand. Sheila watched him scroll through his phone, waiting to see if his facial expressions would change. When he finally looked up he caught her eyes peering at him. When he realized she was expecting a response, he said, “Oh, it was my sistah. She is coming into town from Nigeria in two days with her children; you will finally get to meet her.” Deep down inside, Sheila knew that he could be lying but she ignored her “woman’s” intuition. So, she plated his breakfast she made and brought it to him as he laid in bed sending messages via “BBM.” As the day went on, she asked where his sister would be staying. He informed her that she would be staying at her friend’s home in Harlem. To her it seemed odd; clearly, if he wanted, she could have stayed with them. He convinced her that she had a friend that she went to boarding school with that would be hosting her while she visited. Obviously, he did not want her to stay with them, so she dropped the topic. The next day, Sheila had her yearly gynecology examination scheduled. As the doctor was performing the examination, he noticed something. He stopped in the middle of the exam and said, “I think we should take a pregnancy test.” Sheila agreed and after the test was complete, she was certain the test would reveal exactly what she expected. However, when the doctor told her that she was three months pregnant and that she should start taking prenatal pills, her face grew pale.
Due to her having a very playful relationship with her doctor, she thought it was a joke. She laughed at him and said, “Am I being punked?!” After the initial shock wore off, she headed home to get changed for dinner plans with Philip. On her way home, she called him to confirm that he was going to be on time. Philip obviously had issues with being punctual and tonight was not the night for him to be tardy. When she pulled into the restaurant parking lot, she noticed his car was already there. As she drove pass his car, looking for parking, she noticed that he was in the car with someone. Unaware of whom it might be, she continued in her search for parking. As she reached for her phone to call him, she reminded herself that she should not overreact. He is a friendly person, she reminded herself. He must be talking with an old friend, it must be harmless. He is a good man and he is in love with me. Once she could not find a parking spot, she drove to the parking lot across the street. Sheila decided to wait in the restaurant until the time they agreed to meet (30-minutes later). Before she could finish her second cup of sweet tea, he strolled in with a mischievous grin on his face.
She stood up to embrace him as he approached the table- boy does she love his scent; it’s hypnotic. It was enough to make her knees buckle and her palms sweaty. He knew the affect he had on her and the way she became powerless in his presence. He kissed her forehead gently, before sitting down and before he wet his lips with his drug of choice, a glass of white Hennessey. As he neared his last sip- she paused- then stated, “You are going to be a great father.” His face grew stiff, as if he had been struck by a taser gun. The look he gave her was that of disgust. He mumbled, “What did you say darling?” Sheila began crying and staring at him in despair. He quickly rose to his feet, place two crisp $100 bills on the table and walked out. As she sat at the table, all she could do was rock back and forth in her chair. Immediately, she was alone, left with her fears, tears, and now disappointment. It was more than thirty minutes before she could muster up the courage to leave the restaurant. She paid the bill and headed home. As she pulled into her driveway, she noticed that his car was parked out front.
The front door was left open, and once she stepped into the living room she noticed some of his clothes on the couch. On the counter laid the ring of keys she gave him for the garage, house, and mailbox. She walked pass the kitchen into the bathroom, where she found him gathering his grooming products. Where are you going my love? Philip looked at her and said words she never thought she would hear. “Where do you think I am going Sheila? Do you think we could continue in this manner for much longer? I am a married man; you know this was never meant to get complicated. Besides, my wife and children arrive tomorrow morning from Nigeria.” Sheila blurted out, “What!!! What did you just say?!! Your W-W-W-WIFE?! I thought you said your sistah was coming?!! You dirty, lying, sneaky, pathetic jerk!” Now, now, Sheila! You know I am married and my wife told me ALL about the conversation you two had months back. As she told you, I am not going to leave my family for some woman. Now, I suggest you do what is best and get rid of the child. Sheila picked up the blow dryer from the sink and swung and missed Philip’s head. Then she picked up the garbage pale but this time, she did not miss, as it connect with his head. As she stood there, unaware of what she had just done, crimson ran down his face.
Philip raised his hand and in a split second, he came to his senses. He yelled, “If you did not know it was over before, now you know it is over- You drew blood! Remember this face because this is the last you will EVER see it! If our paths should every cross again, I suggest you call the police. You and your baby are considered dead to me! I will never, and I repeat never, take care of you or your child!” Sheila felt her dinner coming up and she rushed to the bathroom to release the gall in her throat. Apparently she did not realize how long she stayed in the restroom. When she walked back into the living room, the harsh reality hit. Philip was gone and gone for good. The only thing he left was his scent and drops of blood on the countertop.
That night she balled out in emotional agony from her broken heart. The following week, she realized that she had a decision to make. Either have the baby or abort the growing fetus inside her. She opened up to a friend about her ordeal. Her friend told her the truth, which was hard to swallow but it was honest. In other words, her friend said, “That’s what you get for messing around with some other woman’s man!” Ouch! It hurt but that was the intent. Sheila got herself into this mess, and she needed to figure out how to get out of it. Her decision was to keep the baby, although her child may probably never know their father. As sad as that may appear, this is what happens when you put yourself in this type of situation.
Philip never called Sheila again. In fact, he changed all his numbers. He even went as far as to file for an order of protection. He claimed that Sheila had been stalking him and even went as far as bodily threats. He saved some of the text messages she sent him days after the breakup. Her text, “I am going to cut “it” off so your precious wife won’t be able to enjoy it. You will never be able to have pleasure again. I have more than that hit in the head waiting for you- I am going to be your worst nightmare- watch your back!” Well, due to the evidence, Sheila had to appear in court. When he saw her, you would have sworn he saw a ghost. He literally staggered in his tracks, as she walked into the courtroom. To his surprise, she was not charged with harassment. Due to Sheila being an attorney and knowing the judge. She was let go with nothing more than a slap on the wrist.
Even though, she despised him, seeing him again brought on mixed emotions. A part of her wanted to punch him in the face. The other part yearned to be held in his arms. All those emotions were quickly put to rest once she walked outside of the building. As she walked down the stairs, she saw them in the parking lot. There she was, a stunning caramel complexion woman, with a killer physique, standing outside of his Range Rover. The daughter jumped into her father’s arms, while the sons held their mothers hand. They were the picture-perfect family. The family she envied and almost destroyed. This was the first time Sheila felt any form of guilt for her actions. When she and Philip (played house) lived together, it was wonderful but she knew it was temporary. Whenever you are the second woman, you are always on borrowed time.
Do you know your worth? Honestly, do you know when to walk away from a situation before you lose yourself?
These are questions everyone should ask themselves. Especially, if you are in a courtship that is going downhill. To be real frank, some people do not know how to walk away from a troublesome situation, in terms of dating. However, some times, when you are in what appears to be a meaningful relationship, you may not want to let go. When you begin dating, the newness is so addictive. You are engrossed in getting to know your potential mate. This is the time to learn their likes, dislikes, and crucial information that will dictate whether or not you continue the courtship. Ideally, it is suggested that you take your time and keep any sexual intimacy at bay. However, sometimes, you incorporate the sexual intimacy before you have commitment. Nowadays, most dating relationships start out with sex, then both parties decide if they want to commit to one another. This method is completely the wrong approach because as WOMEN, we cannot just have sex with a man and emotionally detach. Men on the other hand, they can have intimacy with multiple partners and keep their emotions in tact. Obviously, men and women are wired differently, no arguing that. Some women would argue that they can do what men do and be emotionally de-attached. However, Sheila tried this approach and wound up getting emotionally consumed to an unworthy gent.
Sheila met Philip while traveling out of town on business. He was an executive at a finance firm her law office worked with. Philip had key accounts in Africa and therefore had to travel often. He being Nigerian, was happy that some of his new clients were based in Ghana and Nigeria. It afforded him the time to see family back home. Philip is handsome and gainfully employed man with no children, at least that’s what he led her to believe; later you will learn about his double life. He being the oldest of his family was responsible for taking care of his mother after his father passed away five years prior. She admired this about him as she wants a man that is family oriented.
After three months of dating, Sheila decided that she wanted more. She fought the desire to be that kind of woman that demands a man commit to her but she was not keen to letting Philip slip through her fingers. In her mind, she felt it would be foolish to let “Mr. Right” pass her by. As their courtship progressed this awesome man became the torn in her flesh. The trips to Africa seemed to be more frequent than normal. He became unreachable, especially while visiting Nigeria. Sheila is normally a confident woman but began struggling with insecurities whenever he was in Nigeria. Normally when he is traveling, they Skype and speak on the phone at least twice a day. The last trip was different, very different.
At 11pm (Eastern Standard Time), Sheila dialed Philip while he was in Nigeria, which as 4am his time. When she hadn’t heard from him all day, she could not go to sleep without hearing his voice. There was nothing that could prepare her for who answered the phone on the receiving end. Let’s just say, it wasn’t Philip. The woman answered the phone with her voice very groggy. Sheila immediately hung up, believing she had dialed the wrong number by accident. When she called back and the same voice greeted her, she was tongue tied. The woman said, “Hello, who is this?” Sheila said, “I am looking for Philip.” The woman said, “Who might I ask is calling?” Sheila said, “This is his girlfriend calling from the States” The woman hung up the phone after a very long pause. Sheila was fueled with venom and called the number back repetitively but no one answered. She had a sleepless night and called out of work the next day. About midday Philip called her and sounded cheery and clueless as to what transpired the night before. When she confronted him of what happened, he laughed and said you must have dialed the wrong number. Oddly enough, Sheila fell for his excuse and left it alone. Literally, she convinced herself that she called the wrong number and made no mention of it again.
Philip returned from Nigeria the following week and all was well again in their relationship. Three months went by and he informed her that he had to go back home because his mother was ill. She thought nothing of it but requested that he agreed to call her daily. Of course he agreed, but he did not keep up to his end of the deal. He called her the first day he arrived but did not call her for two days straight. On day three, she called him at 1am (Eastern Standard Time), which is 6am his time and guess who answered his phone…yes, non other than the same woman. Sheila was not tongue tied this time around. She asked the woman, “Who is this and why are you answering my man’s phone?” The woman in her very thick Nigerian accent said, “What is this?! What do you mean your man’s phone? Why are you calling my husband’s phone?” Sheila said, “I am sorry Miss, I must have dialed the wrong number because I am trying to reach my boyfriend Philip and he is not married. The voice on the receiving end fell silent. She replied, “No my dear, you have the right number, Philip is my husband and he is the father to our 3 children”. He is sound asleep and I just happen to hear the phone going off as I am preparing breakfast. Sheila was silent for what felt like a decade.
The woman said, “Hello, are you still there”? Well, if you do not want to speak, let me speak to you plainly. I love my husband and he is a good father but I know that he has been stepping outside of our marriage. In our culture, it is (somewhat) condoned that men will have other women. It is not easy to accept but it is what it is. He has been careful to not bring this to my face but I see he has gotten sloppy. I cannot tell you to leave him alone, that is up to you to decide. However, he is not a man that would put a woman before his family. Therefore, I strongly advise you to reconsider your dealings with my husband. Again, the choice is yours but please respect me and not call my husband at these unforgiving hours again! The wife hung up the phone and that was the last time for the duration of Philip’s trip that she called him.
When he returned two weeks later, she picked him up from the airport. When they got to her place, she cooked dinner and made love to him. She literally went on as if nothing had changed. In fact, she never brought up the conversation she had with his wife. Some people would say that Sheila is a fool. Most would say that she is stupid with very low self-esteem. However, though all of those statements may be true, there is more to it. In her case, she does not know her worth or how to teach someone how to value her worth. Therefore, what she is willing to accept, who are we to judge.